It’s difficult to know what to do with telemarketers. I know some people have their own approach to the nuisance phone calls from them, but few of the responses seem completely ideal. I’m aware that one common approach is to immediately hang up, while another is to issue a stream of profanity and replace the receiver with some force, but I’m not sure how much of a deterrent this might be. I doubt that it stops anything, and the latter technique (although telemarketers voluntarily invade your space) might get you reported to the phone company.

There’s a side of me that is aware of many of these people being stuck in cubicles all day, trying to build a record of sales or donations, struggling to get by in this world. Accents will tell you that a lot of them might be immigrants who need the work, though this might be a misconception from the belief that you are receiving the call to donate to the Canadian Disabled Bearded Motorcycle Repairmen Fund from someone in Toronto, when in fact it’s really Mujubar calling from Calcutta.

We screen the calls as much as possible with Call Display. Often you answer a call and find that no one is there, just a click and eventually a dial tone. That was the computer, trolling for “live ones” out there. When Mr. Computer finds that someone exists at that number, it carefully tags you as being at home at such-and-such a time, and sends that on to telemarketers to improve their odds. Most of our telemarketing calls seem to come between 4 p.m. and about 6 p.m., either a selected time when they anticipate most people in our time zone will be home, or Mr. Computer has caught us enough times to create a profile.

Most of the calls come in with 800, 866, or 888 codes attached, but companies are wise to your picking up on this and not answering (ours even appears on the TV screen through our satellite receiver). Lately we have been getting calls from 000-000-0000, obviously with nothing to offer, and occasionally from good old 123-456-7890, who feels we aren’t very adept at noticing sequences. Most troublesome are calls that display “long distance” or other labels that force us to answer in case it is someone we know.

There are what you hope are funny things to say to these callers, but be assured that they have heard them all and are not likely to be amused, nor will they think that you are particularly witty and have really put one over on them. They’ve all heard the “Give me your home phone number and I’ll call you back” a thousand times, and likewise for every other imagined-to-be-clever retort. The only particularly clever thing I’ve heard lately is an audio joke recently circulated on email where the phone answerer pretended to be a police officer and the intended call recipient had been murdered. The officer wanted to know the name and location of the caller for possible involvement in the case. He promised a local officer would be coming to take a statement. However, expect that your ability to pull this off is probably limited, and they have likely heard it attempted a thousand times now.

There is supposed to be a “Do Not Call” list coming into force where you can request that your name be added and routine telemarketers will not be able to call you. However, marketers for non-profit organizations and charities are exempt from avoiding this list, and they tend to be the main group of callers that we get. These organizations like to lay a guilt trip on you, in hopes that feelings will whelm up in you for Terminally Ill Bald Midget Hockey Players and free up some of your funds.

My approach depends on my mood and schedule, as it perhaps does for many of us. I can and will be rudely abrupt, but feel it’s good to remember who is invading whose time without invitation. If I’m in the middle on nailing a shingle on the roof, I’m not going to take a call on the wireless hooked to my belt, and if they caught me not checking the display, I’ll just say, “Sorry” and hang up. If I have a little more time, I’ll listen to the opening spiel. If it’s just a reading from a script, plunging on without any particular regard to me, I’ll throw in the “Sorry” and end it there. I’m particularly open to someone who politely asks me first if they can take a few minutes of my time. I’ll give a listen, and decline when I get a convenient opportunity. Occasionally I do bite if the appeal or product interests me. Sometimes it’s the phone company and they offer me a better deal– I’m game.

My line of non-cooperation comes when they change gears as a response to my lack of interest. If they argue the point, take a new tack, or give me a “well, then how about just…..”— it’s an immediate hang-up.

Telemarketers… one of the struggles of life. Boy, we have it easy.

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