Did you ever wonder if there is something that conspires against you as you go about your daily routine? No, not the government, but something almost as sinister.

I learned in elementary math classes that there is something called the “Law of Averages”. I’m not sure if it’s as fixed as the Law of Gravity. It should be, but over the long haul it seems at times that something or someone has a finger in the works. I’m lodging a complaint. Not getting my fair share.

The Law of Averages tells us that if we flip a coin, it has a 50-50 chance of coming up as either possibility: heads or tails. If we flipped it a thousand times (fortunately, though retired, I still have other things to do), we should find that it comes up in the general area of 500 times on each side. The more we flipped, the closer it would get to half and half. Probably (there’s that word– from “probability”) we would do better if we changed coins now and then, in case the Queen’s face is inexplicably heavier than that of a moose and might affect the outcome. The Law of Averages tells us about things like the coin flip, and is a very general expression for the science, or really math, of “probability”. Probability Theory tells us odds for all kinds of situations. We can learn that the odds of winning the 6-49 lottery are astronomical, and that, although we know someone does win it, and (maybe) lives happily ever after, we have better chances of being struck by lightning. A website on the topic indicates that the odds of picking the correct number for 6-49 is one in 13,983,816. These are apparently the same odds as flipping a coin and getting tails 24 times in a row. That’s one to try. You first.

What I’m worried about is not so much winning the 6-49 lottery, since my odds there are somewhat limited by not buying tickets. What I want is my fair share of the 50-50’s. There are more things in life than just flipping coins. A person should have a “chance” of being right half the time in many situations.

Take those fool electric plugs that now have one large prong. Not the ones with the third ground prong… getting those in is rather simple (except in the dark), but the two-prongers for lamps, vacuums, etc. It seems obvious to me that with two prongs, I have a 50-50 chance of getting the right prongs in the first time I try (I know I could look, but that takes all the fun out of things, particularly when you are bent over the back of the sofa trying to plug in a lamp, or reaching down out of sight to plug in the electric drill while balanced on a staging.) But someone is apparently using up some of my luck, because it always seems I get the right prongs in only about one time in ten. Why? Why? Are the cords twisted somehow that way? If I go around and flip all my receptacles upside down, will I suddenly be getting most of them on the first try? I suspect not. I suspect I’ll still get 90% wrong, while someone/something hides in the shadows and laughs.

And drapery cords. You want to open the curtains, lower the blinds at some restaurant, raise a flag. There are two cords. You know the odds. Obviously 90-10 in favor of my grabbing the wrong cord on the first try! Why? Who is in control of this stuff anyway? Some special little demon working on an apprenticeship?

Sometimes I think about it. I could grab that cord, but I know it would be wrong. It’s likely to fall into the 90 side of the ledger. So I fool it. I grab the other. &^%$%#$!!! Wrong again! Next time I go with my gut reaction, first considered– first grabbed. ^%&*&^$%#!!! Wrong again!

Am I accumulating a vast store of good results owed to me, that I will all of a sudden cash in on? Will some month, maybe some year, everything I touch become the right thing, electric plugs going in all over with one stab, curtains flying apart on my slightest whim– another Gladstone Gander reincarnate? (If you’re too young, Google it) That would be the time for the 6-49! Suddenly things start falling into place. Poised to strike at the laws of probability, haul in my fair share, long denied. Owed to me. Deserved. Bought and paid for. If you see me headed for the lottery counter, run for it.

And don’t get me started on extension cords and garden hoses! They should come with a label indication of Snag Probability just as a warning. One of those big red tags on the cord or hose that leaves gummy glue when you take it off. “Note: This cord is designed to search out and locate any slight protuberance in the landscape and firmly snag itself on that. If there is a notch, a crevice, a car tire, a corner, a rock, a tiny splinter on the very floor of the world, this cord is designed to snag it as it goes by. Probability of snagging is directly proportional to the importance of the cord movement to the user, and is multiplied if the user is on a ladder or staging. Snag probability is highly increased if the user is in a confined space such as under a car or in a crawl space, and particularly if there is no other person within a mile. Users should be warned, however, that attempts to purposefully snag the cord or hose on a protuberance, like a five inch spike, a fencepost, a chimney, Mount Everest itself, will only result in failure. Snag probability rests only with the devious intent of the cord or hose itself, and is not influenced by user desire. Abusive language is thought to increase lack of cooperation in the cord or hose, but no studies have been completed on that. (Cords or hoses cut into small pieces with fierce hatchet blows are no longer covered by our full warranty.)”

So what is it? Is it just that my opportunities with cords and hoses have been limited this far in life, that it all will balance out in the end with the scales suddenly tilting my way, or is there some fellow out there with great hair who finds that plugs go in almost by themselves and cords and hoses seem designed to effortlessly follow you wherever you lead?

If I find him, there’s going to be trouble. You can bet on it.
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